I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
