I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
