he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
