I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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