I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
