just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.