i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
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I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.