apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
