I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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