Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
