Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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