And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
