I hate your face
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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