The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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