so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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