don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
whose parrot is this?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
