first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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