I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
