Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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