didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
