that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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