I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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