Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
