i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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