Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.