After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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