the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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