What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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