Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
