I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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