My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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