I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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