Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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