Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
