Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Randomize
