Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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