I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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