I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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