my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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