Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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