My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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