they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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