at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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