Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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