Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
