i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
