I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
