I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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