is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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