Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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