I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
