i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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