the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
